Sara Sidle's Guide to Getting Girls
by DearSweetPapercut
Summary: Because there are just too many terrible pick up lines out there.
1. Chapter 1

I was watching an earlier episode where Super-Dave hits on Sara and she advised him on how to get girls- this is just the idea I had.

Disclaimer I own nothing.

**Sara Sidle's Guide to Getting Girls **

**A Very Short Editorial **

So I'm sure you're all wondering why I'm writing this the reason is that I've been disappointed at the standard of pick-up lines that I have recently been forced to endure.

I believe that my expertise can benefit a large portion of my readers.

What I want all of you bachelors out there to do is start brain storming- what do you think you've been doing wrong in the love game? What is it that is stopping you from having the relationship that you want?

I want to be able to help you.

And to do that I have decided to start writing an advice-column, please submit your queries about the fairer sex and your relationship with them and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

To get the ball rolling I'll start by answering some of the questions I've frequently been asked:

1) No, it didn't hurt because I didn't fall from heaven. I was (like all human beings) created when the genetic material of two people happened to combine through the process of meiosis and fertilization.

2) If you've seen me on more than one occasion, I've obviously been here often.

3) I'm a Scorpio, a star sign that is highly regarded for being close to impossible to be compatible with. So if you're Capricorn, Arise, Taurus, Virgo, Cancer, Gemini, Leo, Sagittarius, Aquarius, Pisces or Libra please cut your losses and stop bothering me.

4) As for looking good on me- I prefer top.

5) I think it's geographically impossible to get lost in someone's eyes.

6) The only way to reach my heart is through my chest cavity, so unless you have claws or a scalpel I don't think you'll be reaching it any time soon.

7) I would only stay in a location if the temperature is at an optimum level- so no- it's not hot in here and I'm not hot either.

8) You make the assumption I'm a "screamer". And for your information I'm very good with names.

9) I'm not a hooker by profession.

10) And last but not least- no, I don't want to fuck.

I hope that helps.

Yours sincerely,

Sara Sidle


	2. Chapter 2

Hope you all find this mildly amusing, please review!

Disclaimer I own nothing.

**Sara Sidle's Guide to Getting Girls **

**Archie's Letter **

_Dear Sara,_

_I want to start by thinking you for writing this column- I think your insight will help a lot of people. _

_What I want to ask you about is internet dating. _

_A girl recently started chatting to me on a dating website claiming that she found my profile interesting. Her picture was cute and she seemed nice enough so after a while we arranged to go on a date. Now this is where it gets weird. When I went to pick her up, I realised she still lived with her parents. (My initial concern was that she was a minor- I've heard enough I-swear-she-told-me-she-was-18 stories in my line of work). But no she was 26- she even showed me proof of it. _

_Anyway, to get to the point, I thought we were going on a date but apparently meeting her parents was the date. Wired right? Well it got worse. She told them that we were in love. And that we were going to get married._

_I pretended I got called into work and I split. I even had to change my phone number to she wouldn't call me. _

_What I want to ask you is what can I do to stop attracting the crazies? _

_Thanks,_

_The AV-Guy _

**Sara's Guide to Making Choices...**

Thank you for sharing "AV-Guy" and the response to your question is- be careful what it is that you put on your profile!

There are things that are going to make you look like you're looking for a booty call and there are things that are going to make you look like you want to get married after the first date and have already started considering baby names.

Things Not to Say:

1) That you're all about Sex, Drugs & Rock and Roll- most of these women are looking for men NOT overgrown teenagers

2) You like cars- *insert penis extension joke here*

3) Sexually adventurous- She'll be certain to count the notches on your bed post...

4) Bros before hoes- need I explain that?

5) That your favourite film is "The Notebook"- ...

6) A list of your celebrity crushes- some of us do not have the benefit of silicone...

7) That you're never had a long term relationship- closet commitment-phobe?

8) That's you're all about T&A's- there is a name for men like you

9) Mention that you're single because you cheated on your ex and she dumped you- leopards never change their spots...

And Last but not least...

10) That you're always down for a three-some- ...there are other places to find the type of woman you want, especially if you're living in Vegas, all you need is a credit card...

Even after the changes to your profile you're still finding that "the crazies" are attracted to you, try talking to an actual woman rather than pixels.

I'm sure there is someone at the lab who wouldn't mind giving you a good time ;)

Signing out for now,

Yours,

Sara Sidle


	3. Chapter 3

Hope you all find this mildly amusing, please review!

Disclaimer I own nothing.

**Sara Sidle's Guide to Getting Girls **

**Hodges's (first) Letter **

_Dear Sara,_

_I must say, I'm mildly impressed by your advice- you have suggested some things that I probably wouldn't have thought of myself. _

_What I want to ask you about is talking. _

_Now I don't know what it is but many women have confused my attempts at witty banter as sexist slurs. And I have to tell you- I'm not a sexist. I'm anything but! I think women are equal to men. _

_It's not just that sometimes when I talk generally they think I'm arrogant, when simply all I am doing is starting intellectually stimulating conversation. _

_What I want to ask you is what is it that I am doing wrong? _

_Regards,_

_A rather confused man_

**Sara's Guide to Simple Good Manners... **

After reading your first sentence I almost considered not replying to this letter.

But alas I realised that perhaps you (specifically you- David Hodges) really do need my help.

Things you must never say in conversation to someone you are romantically involved with:

1. Your sister is cute

2. Oh I completely forgot it was your birthday

3. Don't worry sweet-heart it's a guy thing

4. There is no way you can fix that break light

5. I sometimes wonder why I'm dating you

6. I don't think you should be friends with him any more

7. You have way too many bottles, tubes and pots in the bathroom- why do you need that stuff anyway?

8. Your butt looks big in that (even when we ask!)

9. Do you think we could reschedule our date? There is a Cardinals game on tonight.

10. Oooohhh do you really want to order that?

11. I think you've had enough wine...

12. PMS much?

13. *when assembling flat pack furniture* I don't think you'll understand it, I mean I don't get it, but you can give it a go

14. I told Joey about that thing...you know that thing you did in bed last week he thought it was hilarious

And the penultimate one

15. Well my mother says...

I hope I could have been of some help.

But if not, perhaps you should consider a gag?

I have tape in my kit- I can give you a hand with that.

Yours till next time,

Sara Sidle


	4. Chapter 4

Hope you all find this mildly amusing, please review!

Disclaimer I own nothing.

**Sara Sidle's Guide to Getting Girls **

**Langston's Letter**

_Dear Sara,_

_I just wanted to say thank you for your insight, I'm sure myself and my peer's think you're doing a wonderful job at answering our questions._

_What I want to ask you about is the art of letting go. It appears to be one that I haven't yet mastered. _

_My wife and I divorced many years ago, mainly to the fault of my own. I have to admit that I did not get my priorities straight and spent too much time working. But I don't seem to be able to let go of the life we had together. For example, I still wear my wedding ring, and refer to her as my wife. I understand that this is a key problem that is standing in the way of me meeting new people. _

_And I was wondering what you felt would be the best way to move forward._

_Yours truly,_

_Dr. R. Langston _

**Sara's Guide to getting over it... **

I would like to take this moment to say that you're all very welcome- I'm actually beginning to enjoy writing these responses.

As for your dilemma, I can't help but be blunt- you need to get over it.

I know I sound harsh, and looking at my track record you think it sounds a bit rich coming from me. But it's the truth and it's the only think you can do to get back on the road to recovery!

So here are a few things you can do help yourself move on...

1. It sounds a bit obvious I know but you'll be amazed how many men don't think of it...Visit a Las Vegan strip club

2. Once at said strip club order a few "Depth Charges" and knock them back as fast as you can

3. Take your pick and ask for a private dance...

4. If strip clubs aren't "your thing" then just go to a bar and pick up someone that looks easy (you know what I mean...)

At this point I'm sure you're going to try and tell me I'm losing my touch! But I'm telling you there is nothing like a cheap lay to get all the mushy, romance out of your system.

5. Once you've gotten that out of your system what you need to do is seriously start considering yourself as single again... to do this get rid of the things that remind you of your old significant other- wedding ring, photos, presents and even the pretty curtains in the drawing room...

6. A part of being single is rediscovering yourself so partake in your old habits before you met your significant other...things like... smoking cigars

7. You need to start dating again... so that girl your co-worker attempted to casually mention... well you need to take her out

8. Or as terrible as this sounds asks a friend to introduce you to their slutiest friend

9. Get a new look- something that makes a physical difference from the person you were when you were together will make a huge change to your outlook

10. Okay now this may seem petty... but you need to find someone that's taller, smarter and hotter than your ex and rub it in their faces just how well you're doing now that your relationship is over

Yours,

Sara Sidle


	5. Chapter 5

Hope you all find this mildly amusing, please review!

Also I hope I've gotten Vartann's "voice" right- if you know what I mean!

Also I think my love for Vartann showed a bit in this one...

Disclaimer I own nothing.

**Sara Sidle's Guide to Getting Girls **

**Vartann's Letter**

_Dear Sara,_

_I just want to say I don't do this kind of thing ever. But I've followed your advice column so far and I think you're okay. _

_My girl and I have been together a few months now, things seem to be going great but we can't seem to be able to take that next step forward, you know? _

_Like, I asked her to move in with me thinking that it would make her happy but she just blew me off telling me that she liked how things were at the moment. Now don't get me wrong, I do like them how they are now but I want more. _

_I think I may be in love with her. _

_There I've said it. _

_What I want to ask is what am I supposed to do when things don't seem to be moving forward? _

_Thanks,_

_LVPD Guy_

**Sara's Guide to relationships in stasis...**

Well sexy-detective-man I've attached my number-

Scratch that...

Hello there LVPD Guy,

I'm going to start by asking, do you really think I'm just "okay"?

Now, I don't want to sound like any particular trace tech here but, my advice is gold my friend.

But returning to the main issue, a relationship in stasis did you say?

Well, an almost-wise-but-emotionally-unavailable man once told me that "a relationship in stasis withers", so my advice to you would be to figure how just how likely it is that your girlfriend would be able to progress from the let's-keep-this-under-the-sheets to the I-think-I'm-in-love-with-you stage?

Here is a list of things that suggest that she's not into it...

1. It has been a few months and you don't have a drawer at her place... you're always at yours did I hear you say? Well then it's still a no...

2. Sex is an experience a bit like riding the tube in London? No eye contact, pretend to be preoccupied and glaring if you attempt to start a conversation?

3. Your every day conversations are limited to work, television and grunting while in the sack

4. You think she's doing the "treat them mean keep them keen" routine...I'm sorry to tell you this...but I think she's probably just being mean...

5. She told you not to buy her anything on her birthday

6. Does she always seem to decide which movie you watch, which restaurant you eat at, when you meet? If so...you do not have equal control of the relationship- so my guess is that the relationship is at the place she wants it to be at, which may be a good thing... or it may not

7. She flirts with other people when you're there

8. You dates often get cancelled due to mystery bouts of being busy...

9. No one knows about your relationship... if she's giving you the it's-more-fun-this-way lines then I'm sorry to say welcome to the life of being a human sex toy

10. And last but definitely not least...if her favourite song is "I like you so much better when you're naked" then I'd tell you now...be wary...

I hope that helps.

If not I've attached my number just in case ;)

Yours,

Sara Sidle


	6. Chapter 6

Hope you all find this mildly amusing, please review!

Thanks to Charlie, I got a bit stuck here.

Disclaimer I own nothing.

**Sara Sidle's Guide to Getting Girls **

**Hodges's (second) Letter**

_Dear Sara, _

_Can I just say, I really don't appreciate you mocking me and unnecessarily insulting me._

_So here's another question for you Miss Sidle, why are girls mean? _

_Sincerely, _

_A now rather angry man_

**Sara's Guide to Mean Girls...**

Oh, I'm very sorry for being mean.

Sometimes it just slips out before I can stop it.

I think you're a wonderful person.

And I really do want to help you

So here is a list of ways to deal with mean girls...

1. Ignore them...Mean people are mean because they get off on the reactions they receive...try not to be the stuff of their fantasises...

2. Two can play at this game- be mean back...it's actually a turn on for some

3. It's simply just role reversal...You know when you were a kid and if you were mean to a girl, someone always was helpful enough to say that it was because you liked her...

4. Compliment them... if a girl is being mean to you and you hit her back with a compliment about her hair it will torment her for the rest of the day while she debates whether you were being genuine or not.

5. Smile... they will either develop a complex that they have something in their teeth or wonder if you're up to something. Either way you win.

6. Sympathy... sympathy is a powerful tool to use against a woman and will render them helpless and vulnerable in seconds. Next time a girl is mean to you sling your arm around their neck and ask them if that the kind of things they hear a lot. They will wither be so repulsed they run away or they will cry on your shoulder. Again it's a win-win situation.

7. Burst into song at random intervals during their speech. It probably won't stop them being mean to you but the look on their face will be priceless.

8. Ask her if she is planning on auditioning to be "Grumpy" in Snow White and the Seven Dwarves because she's doing a great job practising.

9. Use the distraction technique. I know you can do it, I have witnessed you do it on many occasions. mid-sentence simply blurt out 'is that Justin Beiber' and while they are distracted you can make your escape.

And what I think is the best suggestion I've had the whole duration of writing this column...

10. Kiss her- then step back and say that the sexual tension was killing you.

I hope that helps,

If not- give me a shout and I'll chase away all of those mean little girls for you ;)

Not yours for now,

Sara Sidle


	7. Chapter 7

Hope you all find this mildly amusing, please review!

A bit of back ground to the "I could never be attracted to you" speech- I've actually heard this! A guy actually gave me the speech. It didn't last long because after a few months he told me he was in love with me.

I made him cry.

Perhaps I took it too far...

But the whole experience was mildly amusing and I thought- I have to talk about the speech in this fic!

Disclaimer I own nothing.

**Sara Sidle's Guide to Getting Girls **

**Greg's Letter**

_Dear Sara,_

_Who knew you were such a romantic? _

_What I want to ask you about is "the dreaded friend zone". _

_Now I've had some basic rules in romance- be honest, be kind and be yourself. But these seem not to be working for me. And I was wondering if you could explain to me exactly why that is. _

_Every time I meet a girl, I do my best to be as charming as possible, and most of the time, I think it's working. But then eventually she'll come over and be crying on my shoulder about some jerk that doesn't give her enough attention, or doesn't realise she's in love with him or whatever. _

_And all of the sudden- I'm just a lowly friend._

_She sees me as nothing more but her kid brother. _

_So, my dear Sara, what is it that I am doing wrong? _

_Yours,_

_A Friend _

**Sara's Guide to Friends...**

Thanks for the letter friend!

I'm going to start on a bit of a tangent but bear with me...

I want to talk about the "I could never be attracted to you" speech. Confused? So am I.

It goes a bit something like this...

"I think you're really cool we should hang...just as friends because I'm not attracted to you. Actually I don't think I ever could be attracted to you. I mean you're cool. Don't get offended, you're just not that hot. And I know what it's like when you spend a lot of time with someone. I just don't want you to get your hopes up and start thinking anything will happen between us. I don't know what it is, but I'm just not attracted to you... actually looking at you makes me feel sort of sick..."

I just want to let all you men folk out there know if you ever give that speech and then some time later shove your hands down her pants- it's not going to happen.

But in response to your question, the best thing you can do is tell her!

Now I know it sounds hard and daunting but here is a list of ways to tell a girl that you're not just a friend, you're someone special...

1. Write her a poem expressing your feelings- remember back in college when you did the whole goth thing to get girls? It's a bit like that.

2. Send her a present- something that's specific and meaningful to her... so less a dozen red roses and more a life-time supply of "nutterbutters"

3. Try asking her out, but not to the place where you usually have drinks or dinner- try something swankier something that says "this is a date".

4. If she is already in a relationship... sabotage my friend, sabotage.

5. There is nothing quite like a bottle of tequila in lowering someone's inhibitions. So shots + strip poker = naked babe at your house.

6. Make a bet... tell her if you win- she has to give you a chance. (Warning- only bet on something you know you are going to win).

7. Serenade her with her favourite song- there is something so very sexy about a man that knows how to handle an instrument ;)

8. Give her the speech from "When Harry met Sally"- hey it's gotta work on someone right?

9. Stick an ad. in the news paper she reads... offering to be her personal *cough* sex *cough* slave... or knight in shining armour depending what type of a woman she is!

10. Hire a plane to fly a banner over where she works that says "I know you only think of me as a friend... but I think we should get married and have babies together..." – this will clear up any confusion of you being "just a friend" and also display that you are ready to commit. How could she say no?

I hope that has helped you.

You seem like a really nice guy if that's any consolation!

Yours,

Sara Sidle


	8. Chapter 8

Hope you all find this mildly amusing.

Oh yes...a guy from Arkansas...

Review and you'll get more ;)

Disclaimer I own nothing.

**Sara Sidle's Guide to Getting Girls **

**Nick's Letter**

_Dear Sara,_

_I trust you. So here it goes, I been seeing this girl a while. And we have- you know. It was good- it was great actually. But I don't know how to get her to be a bit more...er...you know... adventurous in bed without scaring her off. _

_Thanks,_

_RangersFan _

**Sara's Guide to Getting Laid... **

Thank you for your question 'RangersFan'- Have I ever told you how much I adore Southern Men?

I once dated a guy from Arkansas- he was dreamy.

Well, if you think you've gotten to the stage you are comfortable with her to want to try new things, why not give talking about it a go?

Believe it or not that actually works.

But there are a few things you shouldn't say...

1) There's this thing that my ex girlfriend used to do...

2) You mind if I bring a camera in here and film this? We can then talk through what went wrong- and how we can make this a better experience for me- I mean- both of us.

3) I picked up this book for you-_ "101 ways to improve your sex life"._

4) Ohh...did I never tell you I had a foot fetish?

5) It would be better if I didn't have to look at you.

6) The mirror's there for a reason.

7) You've got to believe me I didn't mean to fall asleep half way through.

8) Do you mind if I involve a friend?

9) Let's just say it's a good thing you have a great personality.

And my least favourite 'we need to talk about this line'

10) Look...I'm not sure if that worked for other guys but...

Hope that helps,

Don't be too mean!

Yours,  
>Sara Sidle<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

It's 3 am- I've submitted two papers and I've had so much coffee I don't think I'm going to sleep for the next few days. So if I sound hysterical...okay, okay... more hysterical than normal blame that!

Please review.

Disclaimer I own nothing.

**Sara Sidle's Guide to Getting Girls **

**Brass's Letter**

Dear Sara,

I don't know why I'm even bothering but if there is someone who can help me- I guess it's you.

Don't let that go to your head. We wouldn't want you to implode.

My problem is, apparently, my language.

Oh no, I'm not foul mouthed.

(Well I can be- but have you seen the state of society recently? Can anyone blame me? No.)

But, apparently, the thing is I'm too funny. I say funny- I mean sarcastic.

Women say they can't tell if I'm being sarcastic or being honest- after all of these years I've lost my ability to tell the difference.

I tell my old lady that she looks nice in her dress- she starts crying and saying I'm being mean. And then when I'm actually mean and tell her she looks terrible when she's crying she just keeps going.

So what is it Sara? What's going on?

DO I REALLY HAVE TO COME UP WITH A PEN NAME?

**Sara's Guide to Smooth Talking...**

Well hello there 'DO I REALLY HAVE TO COME UP WITH A PEN NAME?'.

I believe what you are experiencing is called Sarca-sisitma.

So what I think you need to do is start talking smooth again, treat your date like a lady- not a suspect.

Well...unless she's jailbait.

So here are a few lines that are bound to get your lady friends back on side...

1) Here honey, let me do the washing up.

2) Oh, I love it when you eat peanut butter straight out of the jar.

3) How about I take you out... the AA group down the road have free coffee and doughnuts!

4) I'm not worried about that guy checking you out, he hasn't spoken to you yet.

5) Of course we can watch America's Next Top Model, it's the one with Tyra Banks right?

6) I am willing to accept sexual favours in return of me taking you to a 'Take That' show.

7) I'd love to pick up the groceries, the laundry and the kids

8) Yes, let's listen to Buble and "smooch" on the sofa.

9) Of course £150 (which is $237.63) sounds like a reasonable amount to spend on La Perla.

And the one line that will have woman weak at their knees is...

10) You deserve a treat... here's my credit card.

Also how does the pen-name "My-name-should-have-been-Copper" sound?

Hope that helps,

Yours,

Sara Sidle.


	10. Chapter 10

Sorry I haven't posted in a while- I've been distracted with 'The Reason the Sky is Blue' and have generally been in an angsty place rather than humorous but I'm back!

And don't worry- I've missed you all as much as you've missed me ;)

Please make me feel special and review.

Disclaimer I own nothing.

**Sara Sidle's Guide to Getting Girls **

**Doc Robbin's Letter**

Dear Sara,

Recently I've wanted to return to the old days of my marriage where I did small things to remind my wife that she's special.

So I've started doing things that I used to do when we first met- buying her flowers, bringing her chocolates. And the other day I even splashed out on 'La Perla'.

Was it a success?

Would I be writing to you if it was?

She accused me of having an affair.

I don't understand how my attempts at doing nice things for have been twisted into an accusation of infidelity.

So, Sara, I was wondering if you could explain to me what's going on?

Regards,

TheDoc.

**Sara's Guide to Catching Cheaters...**

Well I'll tell you firstly the thing you have done wrong... and that is acting differently.

I cannot tell you how much women hate it when you do that.

Acting different either means you're having an affair or you're planning on buying a boat without telling us...

So which is it?

But generally speaking there are a few things that you shouldn't do because your partner will (and I repeat WILL) accuse you of having an affair...

1) Being nice... don't confuse us with offered of doing the dishes and cooking it will only add to our suspicions!

2) Don't make a new friend called 'Bob' who likes to drink after work... we will always wonder if 'Bob' short for 'Candy' a double DDed platinum blonde who works in admin...

3) Go on business trips to nice places... So that convention at Hawaii? Consider it cancelled but... if you want to go the training session in Bloomington, Idaho population 224 then you're welcome to it!

4) Have very attractive... very single... female friends... and then say she's like one of the guys- do the guys dance in a strip club?

5) Buy us very expensive jewellery- there are only two reasons for this-

a) You feel very, very guilty for something... having an affair

b) You're a serial killer and the jewellery is stolen from your victims...

6) Delete messages on your phone... just don't let us catch you doing it...

7) Don't forget to empty out your pockets- receipts are really good at telling us where you were and when...

8) Obliviously don't use the joint debit card to pay for the hotel room...

9) Display a sudden change in sexual behaviour... if you're used to once a week, under the covers with the lights off then don't try to throw a curve ball our way and change that

And last but not least...

10) Don't ever, ever, ever accuse your wife of being paranoid...

I hope that helps,

Don't have an affair!

Or buy a boat!

Yours for now,  
>Sara Sidle<p> 


	11. Chapter 11

Again, I'm writing another sorry for not updating in a while note! But I am sorry!

Don't break my little heart and review ;)

Disclaimer I own nothing.

**Sara Sidle's Guide to Getting Girls **

**Grissom's Letter**

Dear Sara,

I've encountered a certain dilemma.

There is a girl at work, she's beautiful, she's intelligent and she's passionate. She's all of the things I've sought in a companion for all of these years.

But something doesn't feel right.

I don't feel like I could love her.

Am I a fool?

Or is this simply not meant to be?

Yours,

Bugman

**Sara's Guide to Not Losing Someone...**

Well 'Bugman' let me start by saying if you leave it for long enough then it won't be your decision to make...

You need to figure out what it is exactly you feel for this woman and forgive me for being predictable... but then you need to tell her.

And also...you need to work out if she is a keeper- here are a few ways to figure out such things...

1) Wake them up at 4am to play 'Scrabble' with you... If they do without physically harming you then you know you've made a good choice.

2) She knows about the dork porn collection in your sock drawer... need I say anything else?

3) Abandon her in the middle of dinner on some kind of work related emergency, if she still accepts your calls chance's are she's hooked already. You go- you stud.

4) Talk about decomposing bodies like it is the latest craze and if she is enthralled rather than appalled then you are probably soul mates.

5) You feel the need to throw a tantrum every time you see her with her best friend... who happens to be a guy... who's straight...and intelligent, good looking, funny... and far too close to her.

6) She brings you coffee when you are watching the body of a pig decomposes over night...

7) Is willing to dress up as 'Nerys' in your freakish little Star Trek fantasy... (Let's never speak of that night again)

8) She's willing to listen to your mother talk about your significantly more attractive...and also successful ex-girlfriends...

9) Can handle the strange hours you work

And last but not least...

10) Is will to accept that you will always love the bugs as much as her.

I hope that helps,

Yours,

Sara Sidle.


	12. Chapter 12

I submitted a paper at one am feel asleep face down on my desk and now have a crick in my neck that I swear is going to kill me.

I recently discovered my love for him- and I feel bad he doesn't get more of a mention!

Give me the attention I need and review ;)

Disclaimer I own nothing.

**Sara Sidle's Guide to Getting Girls **

**Officer Andy Ackers's Letter**

Dear Sara,

I'm not sure why I'm writing this letter- you probably won't even choose to answer it but I thought 'hey might as well give it a shot'.

But my problem is that women don't seem to notice me.

I'm your average guy- I work for LVPD, I play the cello, and like bird watching. I try to be polite and well mannered but still nothing.

Am I doing something wrong?

Is there any way I can get women to notice me more?

Thank you,

AA-but-not-The-AA

**Sara's Guide to Getting Noticed... **

Can I just start by saying I love a man in uniform!

AA I'm guessing you are either suffering 'the nice guy syndrome' where women meet you and realise you'll be a perfect 'best friend' or not doing the right things to get a woman's attention.

And for you ladies out there with a male 'best friend' you know that I mean personal slave- someone to pick you up from outside bars at 3 am, someone to bring you hot chocolate and chick flicks when you're feeling down... someone to buy your drinks for you without wanting sex in exchange...

If the former is your problem- meet me at mine and I can help give you that sexy man make-over that'll get ladies drooling over your hot bod ;)

Now if it's the latter... I can help you in the form of text so here are a few things that are going to get you some female attention:

1) Wearing your shades indoors... it is wicked cool.

2) Ignore them when they talk to you- look at the floor, the ceiling, the sky... anywhere but at them... they'll start wondering why they haven't caught your eye... and the next thing you know you're the one calling all the shots!

3) Any excuse to take your shirt off... do it. Ie. get your friends to casually spill things on you... or just do it yourself!

4) All women love a man who can cook... so throw a dinner party invite some friends and that pretty girl from work.

5) Compliment woman we love that... but not about our shoes... in between the lines my friend! In between the lines!

6) Find out what the girl you're into likes and then casually mention it... there are many interesting facts about peanut butter out there... you just have to find.

7) Perhaps a new hair cut is in order?

8) Wear squeaky shoes... it is bound to get their attention as your approach them

9) Play hard to get... oh the thrill is most certainly in the chase!

And last but not least if you really want to get your message out there...

10) Get a t-shirt that says 'I'm single and ready to mingle'

I hope these help...

And if not...

Come over to mine and I can help you get out of the uniform and into something hotter ;)

Yours,

Sara Sidle.


	13. Chapter 13

I'm in love with Kevin. I really need to let go...

Thought of this while watching 'Hitting for the Cycle'

Help me settle better by reviewing ;)

Also- I love 'Blowing for Soup', 'The Sex Pistols' and 'The Cab' – just attempting humour- bear with me!

Disclaimer I own nothing.

**Sara Sidle's Guide to Getting Girls **

**Kevin Tilsdale's Letter**

What up Sara,

Now I need to start by saying I generally don't need no advice on how to pick up women- I have what some may call a talent at taking chicks home.

But I recently moved to Vegas from LA and I'm finding the women are...different... now I don't wanna say frigid but... you've gotta admit you're kind of up tight... which is weird... considering it's Vegas...

Anyway- I was wondering if you had any advice on settling into a new city- and getting familiar with the ladies (or on how to take a stripper home...) because I am all ears baby.

Peace out,

Wishing-I-Was-In-LA

**Sara's Guide to New Places, New Ladies...**

Well I think I'll start by saying thank you for trusting me with giving you advice oh-great-one.

For you and the rest of the men out there who have moved to a new place and are struggling with familiarising yourselves with the local ladies- here is some simple advice- don't be yourself.

Yes- I said it.

If you're finding no one is responding to you in a positive way then don't be you!

Here are a few things that you can do to help romance along-

1) Be that tall, dark stranger every woman in romantic comedies seems to love. Don't have dark hair? Dye it! Aren't tall? Use stilts! (Stilts will also make you seem interesting...they may even think that you were a part of a circus...isn't that cool?)

2) Have a foreign accent. Ladies love an accent.

3) Be seen in cool places around the city- so rather than the local dive- try that foam party thing your co-workers were raving about... inside...not hanging out outside... that's just creepy.

4) Eavesdropping. A wonderful tool. Use it to find out what it is the women in town are talking about- listen in on their water cooler chats and used that to get their attention. E.G. Danielle has a crush on Johnny did Tanya say? Buddy up with Johnny- cool friends will make you cool.

5) You know what never stops being sexy? Smart. You got it- get your dork on guys! Be caught in the break room reading classics. Pick up 'The Economist' instead of 'FHM'.

6) Set up a rock band- not a Sex Pistols cover band- but something like these new groups like "Bowling for tins of processed food" and "The Mini-cab". There is just something about a man who knows how to handle an instrument... ;)

7) Play the emotionally vulnerable part. Women eat it up- fake a sad break up story (being dumped at the altar is a good one!) the next thing you know they'll be in a bar with you knocking back tequila shots until they have forgotten they have self respect- and BAM- you're in!

8) Bribery never hurts. Start bringing in doughnuts or cookies to work. It is simple- buy your way into their pants... not literally because that's prostitution...

9) Make friends with the least attractive guy in your office- this is two birds with one stone! You look generous giving him a chance (prove you're not judgemental) and also you'll ALWAYS be more attractive hence the better option... win-win I'd say!

And last but not least...if nothing is working...

10) Get serious plastic surgery to make yourself look like Ryan Gosling (or Bradley Cooper- whatever floats her boat!), ask to change departments at work and change your name...no one will ever know.

I hope that helps!

Good luck to "Wishing-I-Was-In-LA" at luring the poor women of Las Vegas into a false sense of security!

Most certainly not yours,

Sara Sidle.


	14. Chapter 14

**I'm running out of characters and letter ideas- as you can tell- so I was thinking of opening it up to you guys...anything you'd like Sara to help resolve...leave reviews and she'll get back to you...**

Another letter from Hodges...What does he want this time I wonder?

Dedicated to Charlie ;)

Please make this a real relationship and review.

Disclaimer I own nothing.

**Sara Sidle's Guide to Getting Girls **

**Hodges's (third) Letter**

_Dear Sara,_

_Now I know I've written to you on other occasions, but this time I genuinely need your help this time. _

_I have a fake girl friend (ish). _

_My mother was coming to town and I lied and told her I was in a relationship- and I ended up having to get one of my co-workers to be my fake girlfriends... _

_And it was a great..._

_Too great actually. _

_And I was wondering- how do I turn my fake relationship into a real relationship because I'm starting to like the girl?_

_Thanks,_

_A man that does not want to end up like his mother _

**Sara's Guide to Faking It (or rather not)...**

Oh...so you've come crawling back...feel free to send me a thank you letter listing the ways in which I'm wonderful...

Or a 'donation' for my holiday fund...

So where to start...

There are a few basic things you can do to make it into a 'real' relationship...

1) Climb into her bed...so that when she wakes up the first thing she see's is you... now if that doesn't say we're together I don't know what does.

2) Buy her things...but not coffee or lunch they can seem ambiguous- more like an engraved diamond ring with your initials.

3) Tell her that your mother wants to see her again...and get her alone... I'm sure you'll find some way to persuade her...

4) Start referring to her as your 'Mrs' to everyone else- she's bound to get the hint.

5) Change your Facebook relationship status... also mention her in almost every post with love hearts and kisses.

6) Follow her...but not on Twitter...

7) Use online software to determine what you're kids would look like and post the pictures of them in her locker/desk space/ bag/ house with a note says 'Let's do this for the children'.

8) Attempt to make her jealous with a blonde bombshell of a new girl friend... trust me... it works on all women... unless she is a blond bombshell...then I advice to contact a Ms. H. Kessler- she'll be able to hook you up...

9) Draw a picture of the two of in a...romantic...pose and present it to her.

And last but not least...

10) Climb on the roof of where you work- and tell her you'll jump unless she says she loves you too- nothing like duress to get what you want.

Just on a side-note I do not advise fake relationships to any of my readers...

Bound to blow up in your face!

But I hope that helps you- Mummy's Boy,

Till next time,

Sara Sidle.


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